Saturday, 19 March 2016

TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY?



Something is always trending always. This week it has been the lady who wedded her husband who was arrested by her father for marrying without his consent.

I recall how a relative acted as a witness to such an arrangement at the registry. The marriage crashed not too long after.
 
Please don’t misunderstand me. I have not said marring without parental consent must always lead to separation.

The lady has come out to give her own version of the story. It is like they had somebody in mind they wanted her to marry but she was not interested in and chose her own man.

In Igbo land, they used such arrange marriages to mock a particular group- nwa onye ga alu nwa be onye a (This person’s child will marry that person’s child).

This is one way to ensure that wealth circulates in a particular upper class. Whereas a rich influential man will not want his child to marry below his status, the family of the poor will thank their stars when their child marries from a rich home.

So the ‘arrangee’ fails. No doubt, they would have come to seek her hand in marriage but the father refused. What were the two people in love supposed to do?


Before I get to my conclusion, I recall a personal story. There was a young handsome man that once proposed to me. It was that kind of my son must marry your daughter. The young man schooled in France.

Somehow I never liked him to that extent of marrying him. I was not impressed that he was quiet and ready to do everything I wanted him to do. My mother kept urging me to marry him. She said recognizing that I had a dominant character that he was the right man for me, who will in her own opinion allow me to blossom.

Well he was too docile for my liking and I did not want to go to a home where my word was law. I wanted to marry someone who was manly but not to the extent of beating me o.

She pestered me quite a bit that I called my father one day. Of course her pestering was not known to my daddy who wanted our happiness at all cost.


Me: Daddy, do you think I will not marry?

Daddy: God forbid. How can my daughter not marry? My daughter us beautiful, tall, kind, intelligent and from a good home (of course I knew he would reel off all those qualities).

ME: Why then do you people think that if I don’t marry so, so that I will never marry again?

Daddy: Who said that? he responded.

Me: Well mother has been putting undue pressure on me and I am not interested.

Daddy: Nobody should marry who they don’t like. I will talk to her.

That was the day anyone stopped bothering me about the young man.

Let us look at this from many level; how will I feel if my daughter runs off with a man that we did not approve?

I recall that Onoh did not approve of Bianca’s marriage to Ojukwu but she still did with the consent of her mother.

Question: Was her mother in support or any member of the family?

How will I feel if as a 28year old, I meet a man I love and my parents did not give their consent?

Of course I will not be happy. However I will try to understand their reason. I want to know whether the reasons are tangible or not. For example that he is not from our tribe kind of reason.

There was a man who came to marry someone I know. He was so full of himself. The man had no respect for anyone.

The parents of the girl helped her to appreciate that this man will treat her like a doormat once she marries him.

Whenever any of my friends complain to me about how their husbands were treating them, the first question I usually ask, when you were marrying him, what did your parents say? 90% of the time, I hear, they did not approve.

This accounts for why a lot of battered women can’t go home until it is late because they were warned. And whenever they complain, they usually heard, we told you.

if I am a 28year old stopped from marrying a man, I will intensify prayer for God to give me the revelation that the man was my husband; to touch my parents hearts so they can receive him.

I will also observe and see if the complaints were genuine and I was not blinded by love.

My prayer is for my children to marry right with our consent too!

3 comments:

Ekaete George said...

Absolutely true. It makes sense to seek the consent of parents before marriage, although some parents are just impossible. I've always believed that a serious union like marriage should not begin with rancor from families. Unless all avenues for peace have been exhausted, I would find it disrespectful if a man who claims to love me insisted that we proceed without parents consent.

chinyere Obi-Obasi said...

I agree with you too!

ganiru said...

I also believe parents should be close enough to their children So that she will tell the parents about the guy even before the love blinds her, then it will be easier to listen to advice. It happened to me and their was no stress in agreeing with my parents.